Family Meetings and Trustworthy Siblings Needed to Help Aging Parents

It gets tricky when aging parents start having problems managing their own financial and legal affairs. Siblings can be a challenge, if they lack the ability to understand the changing roles from adult child to caregiver, or if they don’t know how to manage the “business side” of life. That, says the Monterey Herald in the article “Financial planning: Family communication helps aging parents, ” can lead to challenging circumstances for aging parents and siblings.

For one thing, parents are often reluctant to seek help, even if they are aware that things are not right. Notices of missed payments may be stuffed in a drawer or left to pile up in stacks on a desk that was once orderly and tidy. Depending on where adult children live, this state of affairs could go on for a very long time, until someone realizes that it’s not for lack of money, but their capacity is starting to diminish. If you are nearby and visit often, you may not notice until things are in a bad state. If you live far away, you may not know until an annual visit brings you to a home that’s in a state of disarray.

Some siblings are easy to work with and understand the challenges that aging parents face. However, others don’t have the temperament or the knowledge to help out. If they are estranged from the parents, they obviously won’t be much help and could get in the way. Trying to reach out and keeping them informed may be difficult. However, it may also be necessary.

If there is a good relationship with siblings and they all live relatively close to each other, the family should begin with a series of regular family meetings. Ideally, the parents call the first meeting to take place, and they are able to take the lead in explaining why everyone is gathering and what needs to be accomplished. If they are not capable of doing that, or don’t want to do that, because they don’t want to be seen as needy or pushy, then an older sibling usually steps up.

A family with a history of good communication can usually deal with the legal and financial matters in several meetings. A family that rarely talks or only speaks during the holidays will need to get accustomed to working with each other in a productive manner. Some families meet at their estate planning attorney’s office. The attorney can serve as a facilitator, while an estate plan is put into place. Often, a neutral, third-party meeting place can diffuse some of the old family dynamics, which often emerge when a family meets at the family home.

Start by putting together a summary of the parent’s situation. What are their expenses, and what are their sources of income? How are their investment accounts titled? Do they have an estate plan? Have they named beneficiaries for their retirement accounts and life insurance policies? Is there a long-term care policy in place? How is their home titled, and where is the deed located?

Having the answers to these questions, will also help you protect parents from financial elder abuse.

Evaluate their health with a realistic view. Do they have the health coverage they need? Are they independent now, and what is the prospect for their future independence? If they should become less able to live on their own, what will that look like? How will that be paid for?

Next, review their legal status. Do they have a will, power of attorney, health care power of attorney and HIPAA release form? If their estate plan has not been reviewed for more than three years, it needs to be updated. Many financial institutions and some health care facilities will not accept documents that are more than three to five years old. If any documents were created before HIPAA went into effect (2001), then they definitely need an updated estate plan.

The goal is to prepare as much as possible in advance, rather than reacting to a crisis. Increasing family communication around caring for aging parents can also bring siblings closer together, with a shared cause. Getting parents the care they need before an emergency, will also leave everyone in the family knowing they’ve done the right thing.

Reference: Monterey Herald (Feb. 20, 2019) “Financial planning: Family communication helps aging parents”